Chapter 7: Full Cultural Immersion

By the end of band camp, the freshman has changed.

The transformation is subtle but measurable.

The freshman now understands:

• Kansas
• Moses
• Peaches
• Paradiddles
• Director heating stages

Most importantly, the freshman now understands that normal language no longer applies.

Case Study 31

Director Statement

"Again is both a fact and a verb."

Scientific Translation

The ensemble will repeat the exercise.

Repeatedly.

Freshman Interpretation

That seems unfair.

Veteran Interpretation

He's right.

Case Study 32

Director Statement

"No jiggling and dangling on my field."

Scientific Translation

Dress appropriately for athletic activity.

Wear proper undergarments.

Freshman Interpretation

Oh.

Veteran Interpretation

Oh no.

Conclusion

The final rehearsal ends.

Parents arrive.

The freshman climbs into the car.

Parent

"So, what did the band director teach you this week?"

Freshman

"Well, Kansas needed to hear us, some peaches lost their fur, Moses parted the Red Sea, my feet almost sweated twice, and apparently the trombones nearly caused a national emergency."

Parent

"..."

Freshman

"..."

Parent

"I'm calling the school."

Freshman

"NO!"

Because every band student eventually learns the First Unwritten Rule of Band Camp:

Never translate Band Directorisms to your parents.

They won't understand.

And if they do understand...

they'll pull you out of band before Monday.

Final Scientific Observation

Researchers have concluded that Band Directorisms are not merely phrases.

They are a language.

A culture.

A rite of passage.

A shared experience passed from one generation of band students to the next.

The reason remains unknown.

Further funding has been requested.

Funding has been denied.

Research continues.

Postscript

Following publication of this report, researchers believed they had successfully documented the primary characteristics of Band Director language.

Subsequent field investigations revealed this conclusion to be wildly optimistic.

Within days of releasing the initial findings, additional Directorisms were reported involving:

• Livestock valuation
• Agricultural economics
• Peanut butter
• Piggly Wiggly bakery counters
• Historical disasters
• Presidential history
• Biblical miracles
• Yeast roll production
• An individual identified only as Aunt Louise

Researchers were particularly troubled by the repeated appearance of Aunt Louise.

Although frequently referenced, no verified photograph, birth certificate, census record, driver's license, church directory listing, or independent eyewitness account has yet been discovered.

Nevertheless, her influence upon Band Director communication appears substantial.

Additional concerns emerged when researchers documented increasing references to:

• Apollo 13
• John Philip Sousa
• Theodore Roosevelt
• Dolly Madison
• George Washington
• Bob Fosse
• Catherine O'Leary
• Beethoven
• Handel
• Van Gogh

Many of these individuals lived in different centuries and, in some cases, different realities.

Band directors appear unconcerned by these distinctions.

As a result, the Institute has authorized additional studies and expanded funding requests to include specialists in:

• Music Education
• Linguistics
• American History
• Theology
• Agriculture
• Economics
• Family Systems
• Emergency Management
• Yeast Roll Production

The findings of those investigations will be published in subsequent volumes.

Students are advised to remain calm.

Parents are advised not to ask follow-up questions.

Freshmen are advised to travel in groups.

Researchers are advised to carry water.

Most importantly, if at any point during rehearsal a band director removes sunglasses, turns a cap backwards, looks toward heaven, and begins a sentence with the word:

"Dogblasted..."

all personnel should immediately consult Volume II.

Research continues.