Chapter 8: The Apollo 13 Doctrine

Among all modern Directorisms, none appears more frequently than Apollo 13.

Researchers believe Apollo 13 represents the perfect Director metaphor.

Everything has gone wrong.

Nobody is entirely sure why.

Yet somehow everyone is expected to fix it immediately.

Case Study 31

Director Statement

"Dogblasted... this is Apollo 13 all over again."

Scientific Translation

A routine problem has become unnecessarily complicated.

Freshman Interpretation

A space mission has failed.

Veteran Interpretation

The drill is broken.

Parent Interpretation

The band director appears to be teaching aerospace engineering.

Case Study 32

Director Statement

"I have neither the time nor emotional strength to explain Apollo 13 right now. Watch the movie."

Scientific Translation

The director has exhausted all remaining educational resources.

Institute Findings

Apollo 13 references generally occur when:

• The rehearsal remains technically survivable• Multiple errors have compounded• The director's patience reserves have fallen below operational levels

Researchers note that students almost never watch the movie.

Historical Observation

A normal instructor might say:

"The form is wrong."

A band director says:

"Dogblasted... this is Apollo 13 all over again."

Only one statement carries the appropriate emotional weight.

Conclusion

After years of study, researchers have reached a troubling conclusion.

Band directors do not use metaphors because they are effective.

Band directors use metaphors because ordinary language eventually fails.

When:

"Play louder"

stops working...

Kansas appears.

When:

"March correctly"

stops working...

Sousa and Teddy Roosevelt appear.

When:

"The opener needs work"

stops working...

Dolly Madison, Jesus, and Aunt Louise arrive together.

When:

"The form is wrong"

stops working...

Apollo 13 appears.

Researchers have determined that the average Band Directorism begins as a simple correction.

However, repeated student exposure eventually forces the director into increasingly complex explanatory models involving:

• Livestock• Agricultural economics• Church suppers• Historical disasters• National heroes• Biblical miracles• Theme parks• Baked goods

Researchers remain uncertain why these topics are connected.

Band directors appear convinced that they are.

The average freshman enters band camp speaking English.

The average senior graduates fluent in Band Director.

The transition remains one of the great mysteries of American education.

Funding has been denied.

Aunt Louise has declined all interview requests.

Research continues.

Final Scientific Observation

Researchers once believed that music could be taught using music terminology.

Evidence now suggests otherwise.

Band directors have successfully demonstrated that virtually every musical concept can be explained through:

• Farming• Livestock• Relatives• Food preparation• American history• Biblical events• Aerospace disasters

Researchers have yet to identify a single musical problem that cannot eventually be traced back to:

• A hog• A peach• Apollo 13• Aunt Louise

Further study is required.

Postscript

As Volume II prepared for publication, researchers believed they had successfully catalogued the major forms of advanced Directorisms.

This conclusion proved premature.

Additional field reports soon emerged involving:

• Ludwig van Beethoven• George Frideric Handel• Vincent van Gogh• Bob Fosse• Carol Burnett• Catherine O'Leary• Mr. Spock• The Bolshoi Ballet• The Washington Monument

Researchers were particularly alarmed to discover that several of these individuals lived in different centuries, different countries, and in one case a different galaxy.

Band directors appeared unconcerned.

Further investigation revealed an entirely new category of Directorisms in which student performance not only altered history, theology, agriculture, economics, and space exploration...

but also caused emotional distress to deceased composers, historical figures, Broadway choreographers, television personalities, and fictional Vulcans.

The Institute has therefore authorized a third phase of research.

The findings of those investigations will be published in Volume III:

Composer, Historical, and Cultural Directorisms

Students are advised to remain calm.

Parents are advised not to ask follow-up questions.

Freshmen are advised to travel in groups.

Researchers are advised to carry water.

Most importantly, should a band director begin a sentence with:

"If Beethoven had heard that..."

all personnel should immediately proceed to Volume III.

Research continues.